The hardest part in a relationship is the aftermath, when one of the couple dropped the bomb that they should stop seeing each other. In this case, I’m the bomb receiver.
Three months have passed from that bitter night, when he picked me up from work. Instead of going out for our dinner as promised, he pulled up at my place and coldly told me to cut the relationship. Nothing can accurately describe what I felt that night. Devastation? Anger? Confusion?
I didn’t cry that night, but the pain remains here in my heart whenever I think that moment.
Today, I had just returned his clothes from my place. I guess it’s a sign I give myself to move on. I have been waiting for the moment that he asked for them himself, at least it could be our conversation starter, but that never comes. So instead of feeling sad looking at those unworn (and unwanted) clothes, I just decided I have enough of him.
I know he won’t be reading this. Which makes me brave enough to write it out.
1. You don’t know how much I have been thinking about you. The first one month was a hell as I feel so unwanted. Whenever I study, read, sleep, hang out to a birthday party, I still think of you.
2. I don’t want to sound desperate and weak, so I never tell no 1 to you. I hate the fact that I’m dying here while you are standing still emotionless like a statue.
3. I hate how you say that I love you more than you love me. It’s condescending, but at the same time, I hate it because I know that is true.
4. There are many guys lining up to date me, but why aren’t you one of those guys?
5. We are never too close for you to know my deep dark secrets, which I am glad I never told you. Those secrets are a part of me that you will never find out.
6. Here’s a long one. Every thoughts in my mind have been mostly preoccupied by you. Which makes it scary, because the more I think of you, the more unrealistic it will be. I am in love with my own fantasy and idealism about you. My heart is stubborn. It likes to block negative feelings (the heartbreak) but it doesn’t think of the consequences (that you will break my heart once again). Today, I have been telling my brain to think about all your negativeness to neutralise the unrealistic puppy love that my heart is fantasising. So recently, I have just found out that I am NOT in love with you, I’m in love with my own fantasy.
7. I keep posting all those amazing photos just to show you that my life can still be happening, even without you in it. And there you are, sitting on your office desk (congratulations for your promotion, btw). We both have moved on, and I just want you to know that I learnt and experienced better things in life right after you dumped me.
8. Those sentences are vain. And I would never say that to you because I don’t want to sound weak and defenceless. I don’t want you to know that you have power over me, although maybe you know already. I don’t want to feed your ego, because you don’t deserve that after you dumped me.
9. I thought I would never be able to love again. But I found a group of friends that always spend time with me. They are amazing and we explore lots of thing together. More importantly, they teach me how to love once again, and to let go of you. You don’t deserve the right to come back to the amazing story of my life.
when I gave you that bag of clothes, I told myself that this is the end. No more heartbreak, no more connection, no more memories. Let this be the last memory we have.
The bomb you gave me almost exploded and ruined my life. But the fire dissipated, just like my feelings.
I have shut down my feelings for you.